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Call me Grimace.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
I'm here for a reason, you know. Its not like they just send everyone back. Its a big machine that does the sending. Its not like GE or Whirlpool makes one you can buy at Sears, and you can just have your own. What, you thought a time travel device would fit in a little box you could carry around? Like it would have pictures of your favortire cartoons and include a thermos full of hot chocolate? Even if you could get your hands on one, there are laws and penalties and things. So you have to have a good reason for going back and permits and all.
The machine is a really big deal with more lights and panels than you can count without a countomatic. Its operated by this old guy. His name is Tweezers. Theres been some betting on the matter. I've got $800 that says its got something to do with his ear hair. Sometime in the coming weeks (well, in the coming years, from your perspective), Frank from accounting is going take his neural-nano-uplink-thingy and see if he can extract some of Tweezer's memories while he's napping (he naps a lot. The guy probably works 5 hours a week, total). We'll hunt through them and see if we can find the source of the nick-name.
So anyway, the time machine itself is huge. I'd say it looks about like a bus, only taller. It has to be operated from a safe distance. In the case of the particular unit they have where I work, that distance is about 15,000 feet... straight up. Yup, it floats, and it looks really cool at night. We fire it up for parties. We usually have to lure Tweezers away from it (he sleeps in the control booth. Its kind of sad, really), but once we do, we'll put it on a repeat cycle and just let it buz. It creates this really intense light that cycles from pinkish, to purpleish, to blueish. When sending someone/something back in time, it only needs to be running for maybe 5 or 10 minutes, but we'll leave it on all night, just for the light.
Thats right, there are still parties in the future, and good ones at that. There are more types of drugs than you have today. A few of them just make you spit a lot. They are popular with an older crowd, although I can't say I'm sure why. There is one drug that actually makes your vision go negative. Colors, black and white, everything is just flipped. I've never tried this one because, at least I've heard, it can make you piss your pants uncontrollably for days straight. It just doesn't sound worth it to me.
The drug of choice is still alcohol. There was a second prohibition that lasted maybe a year. When I left my time, we were involved in 3 different "wars." Congress stopped actually declaring war long before, so it was mostly up to the media, which gladly cried "war" every chance it got. After several years spent watching reports of the violence abroad, everbody got all worked up over the number of American lives these conflicts were costing us. Then someone went and pointed out that drunk drivers were killing more Americans annually and that maybe the cost of partying shouldn't outweigh the cost of freedom (a similar point had been made about guns the year before, but lucky for us, someone shot the guy who was saying that in the face. Now we all carry guns. Its a much safer world. I almost got mugged TWICE! But I killed those guys. Its just not worth being in danger). Sorry for the aside. Anyway, after being sober for an entire year, everyone realized that freedom without intoxication was like slavery without sobriety. The argument didn't make any sense, but it sounded important and that was enough to reopen the breweries.
So anyway, I came back for a reason. Its not like I'd just come back wihout a reason.
The machine is a really big deal with more lights and panels than you can count without a countomatic. Its operated by this old guy. His name is Tweezers. Theres been some betting on the matter. I've got $800 that says its got something to do with his ear hair. Sometime in the coming weeks (well, in the coming years, from your perspective), Frank from accounting is going take his neural-nano-uplink-thingy and see if he can extract some of Tweezer's memories while he's napping (he naps a lot. The guy probably works 5 hours a week, total). We'll hunt through them and see if we can find the source of the nick-name.
So anyway, the time machine itself is huge. I'd say it looks about like a bus, only taller. It has to be operated from a safe distance. In the case of the particular unit they have where I work, that distance is about 15,000 feet... straight up. Yup, it floats, and it looks really cool at night. We fire it up for parties. We usually have to lure Tweezers away from it (he sleeps in the control booth. Its kind of sad, really), but once we do, we'll put it on a repeat cycle and just let it buz. It creates this really intense light that cycles from pinkish, to purpleish, to blueish. When sending someone/something back in time, it only needs to be running for maybe 5 or 10 minutes, but we'll leave it on all night, just for the light.
Thats right, there are still parties in the future, and good ones at that. There are more types of drugs than you have today. A few of them just make you spit a lot. They are popular with an older crowd, although I can't say I'm sure why. There is one drug that actually makes your vision go negative. Colors, black and white, everything is just flipped. I've never tried this one because, at least I've heard, it can make you piss your pants uncontrollably for days straight. It just doesn't sound worth it to me.
The drug of choice is still alcohol. There was a second prohibition that lasted maybe a year. When I left my time, we were involved in 3 different "wars." Congress stopped actually declaring war long before, so it was mostly up to the media, which gladly cried "war" every chance it got. After several years spent watching reports of the violence abroad, everbody got all worked up over the number of American lives these conflicts were costing us. Then someone went and pointed out that drunk drivers were killing more Americans annually and that maybe the cost of partying shouldn't outweigh the cost of freedom (a similar point had been made about guns the year before, but lucky for us, someone shot the guy who was saying that in the face. Now we all carry guns. Its a much safer world. I almost got mugged TWICE! But I killed those guys. Its just not worth being in danger). Sorry for the aside. Anyway, after being sober for an entire year, everyone realized that freedom without intoxication was like slavery without sobriety. The argument didn't make any sense, but it sounded important and that was enough to reopen the breweries.
So anyway, I came back for a reason. Its not like I'd just come back wihout a reason.
Friday, November 21, 2003
In the future, one final investigation into JFK's assassination is conducted. The findings prove conclusively that there was in fact a second gunman. Much to everyone’s amazement, he was not standing on the grassy knoll, but instead, was perched right next to Oswald in the same window at the book depository. When the second man was found a few years later, comatose and on life support in Omaha, a descendant of Jack Ruby sneaked into the hospital and pulled his plug.
A movie was made on the subject. Titled “JFK 2,” it bombed within two days of release. Also bombed within two days of its release, Iraq.. again. As it turns out, one stone was actually left unturned. They dropped a “bunker buster” on it. As justification, the White House claimed that JFK’s assassination was actually a terrorist attack. In undisturbed history, Oswald failed in his murder attempt, wounding, but not killing the president. Saddam Hussein traveled back in time using long secret Nazi technology. Under the alias John Titor, he followed Oswald into the book depository just in time to deliver the mysterious fourth shot. The rock in question was thought to be hiding that time travel device.
While this claim has its skeptics, most will admit its more plausible than assuming that there was a plot to assassinate an American president at a time when his, and many other governments, were plotting assassinations around the world. As for the comatose man in Omaha, the White House claims he was a Saddam clone, left in Omaha on his departure from the past. Ruby’s descendant, who pulled the plug, was given a presidential pardon and a contract to build a strip club on the overturned rock in Iraq. When asked to comment on the situation, an older but still hot Brittany Spears said “Its really sad when people shoot at each other.”
A movie was made on the subject. Titled “JFK 2,” it bombed within two days of release. Also bombed within two days of its release, Iraq.. again. As it turns out, one stone was actually left unturned. They dropped a “bunker buster” on it. As justification, the White House claimed that JFK’s assassination was actually a terrorist attack. In undisturbed history, Oswald failed in his murder attempt, wounding, but not killing the president. Saddam Hussein traveled back in time using long secret Nazi technology. Under the alias John Titor, he followed Oswald into the book depository just in time to deliver the mysterious fourth shot. The rock in question was thought to be hiding that time travel device.
While this claim has its skeptics, most will admit its more plausible than assuming that there was a plot to assassinate an American president at a time when his, and many other governments, were plotting assassinations around the world. As for the comatose man in Omaha, the White House claims he was a Saddam clone, left in Omaha on his departure from the past. Ruby’s descendant, who pulled the plug, was given a presidential pardon and a contract to build a strip club on the overturned rock in Iraq. When asked to comment on the situation, an older but still hot Brittany Spears said “Its really sad when people shoot at each other.”
Wednesday, November 19, 2003
In the future, pretty much all girls are attractive. A couple of generations of genetic engineering see to that. So when we say a girl is "hot," we really mean she's rich. Also, not as many people get fat. This guy figured out how to engineer some kind of perfectly healthy rodent. It tastes like shit, but like tofu, can be batter dipped and fried to add flavor.. of course, that sort of defeats the purpose, but its pretty much the only meat available.
Tube socks come back into style and stay. Its the seem at the end. I hate buying socks in your time because I can never get that damn seem to run accross my toes right. There's always one little bit that dips beneath my big toe and makes me think I've got a rock in my shoe all day.
The sky is a lot less orange than it will be, so enjoy sunsets while you have them. In about 25 years, it'll always look like sunset, except for sunset, which will slightly resemble morning.
No, seriously though? I am from the future.
Tube socks come back into style and stay. Its the seem at the end. I hate buying socks in your time because I can never get that damn seem to run accross my toes right. There's always one little bit that dips beneath my big toe and makes me think I've got a rock in my shoe all day.
The sky is a lot less orange than it will be, so enjoy sunsets while you have them. In about 25 years, it'll always look like sunset, except for sunset, which will slightly resemble morning.
No, seriously though? I am from the future.
