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Call me Grimace.
Thursday, May 20, 2004
I'd explain everything that happened over the past few months, but it would take a long time and I'm tired.
In the future, household pets are more intelligent. Genetic enhancements have endowed them with the ability to speak and perform simple, but more human, tasks. At a certain point, people figured dogs should walk themselves and maybe mow the lawn while they’re at it. Cat’s should clean their own litter boxes and take the trash out along the way. This isn’t Planet of the Apes level stuff. They weren’t forced into absolute servitude. Most animals are happier for it.
When my company first began running tests of its time travel thing, it was hard to pinpoint a precise arrival date. The first time the machine was used, they opted to send back a cat, instead of a human. Mr. Jumps’n’Pukes. That was the cat’s name. They sent him back not really knowing where or to what time. They were also unable to bring him back, something they were aware would happen but didn’t tell him going into it.
Grips the Fantastic is the company archeologist. Its his job to scout an arrival site. He’s responsible for selecting the exact time and location to which someone will be sent. If it’s a safe trip (into the recent past) he’ll just go himself and have a look about, kicking what looks like needs it. If its very far in the past, he’ll actually conduct a full archeological dig. It was on one of these digs that he discovered something alarming. A rock with a picture of Mr. Jumps’n’Pukes carved into it. I had seen the rock when he first arrived, but I didn’t understand the significance of it.
Apparently, Mr. Jumps’n’Pukes ended up in ancient Europe (hard to be certain exactly where), where a band of nomadic humans discovered him and worshiped him as a god (he was, of course, a talking cat). He indoctrinated his followers with long complex parables, which they passed down through the ages, first verbally, and then in songs and stories. The discoveries at the dig site led Grips on a journey around the world (and through different eras), as he pieced together the cat’s legacy.
He recited a song for me that he had uncovered somewhere in England. Keep in mind, this is a legend that had been passed down for hundreds of years before ever being documented by written language, so it may not be entirely accurate:
That asshole Grips
Made me clean out my litter box
And sent me back in time
And left me here
And the cobbler made for the girl
A shoe of great dryness
I’m going to
Indoctrinate these freaks
With long complex parables
That they will pass down
But her other foot
Was still nude and moist
They will follow my teachings
And years from now
They will destroy all those assholes
at that company
And the cobbler cried
And made for her a second shoe
A shoe of great dryness
A shoe of great dryness
In the future, household pets are more intelligent. Genetic enhancements have endowed them with the ability to speak and perform simple, but more human, tasks. At a certain point, people figured dogs should walk themselves and maybe mow the lawn while they’re at it. Cat’s should clean their own litter boxes and take the trash out along the way. This isn’t Planet of the Apes level stuff. They weren’t forced into absolute servitude. Most animals are happier for it.
When my company first began running tests of its time travel thing, it was hard to pinpoint a precise arrival date. The first time the machine was used, they opted to send back a cat, instead of a human. Mr. Jumps’n’Pukes. That was the cat’s name. They sent him back not really knowing where or to what time. They were also unable to bring him back, something they were aware would happen but didn’t tell him going into it.
Grips the Fantastic is the company archeologist. Its his job to scout an arrival site. He’s responsible for selecting the exact time and location to which someone will be sent. If it’s a safe trip (into the recent past) he’ll just go himself and have a look about, kicking what looks like needs it. If its very far in the past, he’ll actually conduct a full archeological dig. It was on one of these digs that he discovered something alarming. A rock with a picture of Mr. Jumps’n’Pukes carved into it. I had seen the rock when he first arrived, but I didn’t understand the significance of it.
Apparently, Mr. Jumps’n’Pukes ended up in ancient Europe (hard to be certain exactly where), where a band of nomadic humans discovered him and worshiped him as a god (he was, of course, a talking cat). He indoctrinated his followers with long complex parables, which they passed down through the ages, first verbally, and then in songs and stories. The discoveries at the dig site led Grips on a journey around the world (and through different eras), as he pieced together the cat’s legacy.
He recited a song for me that he had uncovered somewhere in England. Keep in mind, this is a legend that had been passed down for hundreds of years before ever being documented by written language, so it may not be entirely accurate:
That asshole Grips
Made me clean out my litter box
And sent me back in time
And left me here
And the cobbler made for the girl
A shoe of great dryness
I’m going to
Indoctrinate these freaks
With long complex parables
That they will pass down
But her other foot
Was still nude and moist
They will follow my teachings
And years from now
They will destroy all those assholes
at that company
And the cobbler cried
And made for her a second shoe
A shoe of great dryness
A shoe of great dryness
