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Call me Grimace.
Monday, December 15, 2003
A few hundred years ago, people had names like John, Alexander, Thomas, David, and so on. It seems a reasonable thing to assume that many people will still go by these common names a few hundred years from now.
In the nearer future there are still new and interesting names. But despite what aspiring sci-fi authors and late-night MMORPGers may think, there aren't a lot of Zs and 4 syllable names. People aren't called Zebulatron or Quorpitole. They don't name their little girls Vrohillius or Priptozonia. There are some weird names though. There was a kid who lived on my street named Viagra Johnson. Mean little fucker.
Anyway, this is just an FYI. When you're composing your first Little House on the Prairie: The Next Generation fan-fiction and you find yourself at a loss naming the evil planet-shitting overlord from the galaxy beyond time, just call him Mort or Peter. Naming him Professor Grimtulus Verzasterfly doesn't make him a more effective character.
In the nearer future there are still new and interesting names. But despite what aspiring sci-fi authors and late-night MMORPGers may think, there aren't a lot of Zs and 4 syllable names. People aren't called Zebulatron or Quorpitole. They don't name their little girls Vrohillius or Priptozonia. There are some weird names though. There was a kid who lived on my street named Viagra Johnson. Mean little fucker.
Anyway, this is just an FYI. When you're composing your first Little House on the Prairie: The Next Generation fan-fiction and you find yourself at a loss naming the evil planet-shitting overlord from the galaxy beyond time, just call him Mort or Peter. Naming him Professor Grimtulus Verzasterfly doesn't make him a more effective character.
Friday, December 12, 2003
In the future, people don't go shopping the day after Thanksgiving, they go shopping two days after. You people are just suckers.
Monday, December 08, 2003
In the future, McDonalds will offer a new product called McSlop. Composed of every available ingredient in the resteraunt, the mix is blended into a fine paste and eaten with a spoon. Each McSlop value meal is served with 86 salt packets. Thats enough to poor two packets on every bite. Within months it becomes their most popular item. Everything else on the menue is eliminated. Other fast food chains soon follow. Wendy's with its Sloop, Burger King with Flame Grilled Slop, Taco Bell with its Slopolada and so on.
Eventually, most people are eating nothing but slop. Asses balloon to previously unimaginable sizes. Countless diseases are attributed to slop intake, the most common being slopidia. In one year alone, McDonalds loses out in 843 law suits. Every major chain resteraunt catches some of the fire.
When companies start going under, one by one, a panic grips the nation. A hefty generation, forced to carry on without their slop, rises up in rebellion against a government that denies them their salty joy. Using money gathered in successful lawsuits against fast food companys, the rebellion insists that the government find a way to keep the fast food companies afloat.
Their demands are not met. They threaten with civil war, but are all so sluggish and lazy that nothing every really happens. Most of that generation vanishes. In its wake, a new generation springs up. Cleaner ways of living are adopted. The entire structure of modern civilization revolves around community athletics, orgarodent meat, and porn. Lots and lots of porn.
Eventually, most people are eating nothing but slop. Asses balloon to previously unimaginable sizes. Countless diseases are attributed to slop intake, the most common being slopidia. In one year alone, McDonalds loses out in 843 law suits. Every major chain resteraunt catches some of the fire.
When companies start going under, one by one, a panic grips the nation. A hefty generation, forced to carry on without their slop, rises up in rebellion against a government that denies them their salty joy. Using money gathered in successful lawsuits against fast food companys, the rebellion insists that the government find a way to keep the fast food companies afloat.
Their demands are not met. They threaten with civil war, but are all so sluggish and lazy that nothing every really happens. Most of that generation vanishes. In its wake, a new generation springs up. Cleaner ways of living are adopted. The entire structure of modern civilization revolves around community athletics, orgarodent meat, and porn. Lots and lots of porn.
Thursday, December 04, 2003
Nothing new today (nothing new tomorrow either, I happen to know), so I'll post a nice bit of reader mail I just received.
Hey Grimace (love the alias)!
Janine from research said I might run into you in one way or another. I started doing past jobs about a week after you left on your big trip. This is actually my second trip, but I came back later the first time, so in about 6 months you'll hear from me again, but I won't know that I've already heard from you, because it will be the first time for me.
They sent me back to pick up some of that coffee that Tweezers likes because they stopped making it a few years ago. He's really old ansd says that this year was a good year for it. Whatever, its an excuse to get out of the office. And hey, have you watched Honey yet?! What lucky timing for both of us, am I right?!!
Well, I've got to go. I get frustrated using these space age computers. Not sure whenthey're going to bring you back, but hopefully soon. We're short a player on the company softball team.
Later (or sooner),
Frank from accounting
P.S. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Don't drive anywhere on January 26th. You're going to hit a squirrel and feel really bad about it for few days.
Hey Grimace (love the alias)!
Janine from research said I might run into you in one way or another. I started doing past jobs about a week after you left on your big trip. This is actually my second trip, but I came back later the first time, so in about 6 months you'll hear from me again, but I won't know that I've already heard from you, because it will be the first time for me.
They sent me back to pick up some of that coffee that Tweezers likes because they stopped making it a few years ago. He's really old ansd says that this year was a good year for it. Whatever, its an excuse to get out of the office. And hey, have you watched Honey yet?! What lucky timing for both of us, am I right?!!
Well, I've got to go. I get frustrated using these space age computers. Not sure whenthey're going to bring you back, but hopefully soon. We're short a player on the company softball team.
Later (or sooner),
Frank from accounting
P.S. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Don't drive anywhere on January 26th. You're going to hit a squirrel and feel really bad about it for few days.
Monday, December 01, 2003
Its not really up to me when I go back. They'll just sort of yank me back to my time if it needs to happen. I hope they leave me around long enough to catch the movie Honey. That goes on to be a massive success in the future. There are sequals and a line of themed boxer-briefs. I'd love to see the original. For some of the young men and women in your time, it must be like going back and seeing Star Wars during its original release.. only better, because its Honey.
Sometimes I miss the future though. Every Saturday morning, Tweezers acts out entire episodes of classic cartoons like Digimon, or Digimon Live in Cancun. Frank from accounting fries up orga-rodent bacon and we all sit down on our favorite carpet squares to eat and enjoy the show. Its a really good time.
In the future, when we say something is "space age" we mean its old, like maybe from the 1990s.
Sometimes I miss the future though. Every Saturday morning, Tweezers acts out entire episodes of classic cartoons like Digimon, or Digimon Live in Cancun. Frank from accounting fries up orga-rodent bacon and we all sit down on our favorite carpet squares to eat and enjoy the show. Its a really good time.
In the future, when we say something is "space age" we mean its old, like maybe from the 1990s.
